Holding

These are my hands, holding my mother’s hand.

Mum is seventy years old and in the last stage of alzheimers. She hasn’t known who I am for nearly ten years. She is bedridden, frail, fragile. She can’t feed or toilet herself. She no longer speaks. When mum is awake her limbs appear agitated, constantly twitching and moving. She reminds me of a small, broken bird. She sleeps much of the time.

That Mum doesn’t know me by name or sight isn’t important, because I know who she is. There is the finite knowing that this is my mum, the woman who held the whisper of me in her heart long before I came into being. She held the space for me in her womb. She held me in her arms for the first time over fifty years ago. And I’ve felt beautifully held by her physically and emotionally ever since. Every single day of my life. Unconditional love is the most precious gift of all.

And then there’s the infinite knowing that she and I are connected beyond time and space. Sometimes she finds me in my dreams. She is usually smiling. I wake, aware of feeling happy.

I have a very clear memory of being six years old and on top of a climbing frame with a handful of friends. We were talking about our mothers. In my mind’s eye their mothers were short and round with blurry faces and I remember feeling so delighted that my mum was tall and slim, she had the prettiest face, long blonde hair swinging down her back, and the brightest smile.

These are my hands, holding my mother’s hand … paper-thin skin and a clutch of bones. She felt warm that day, and I was grateful she was happy to be touched.  I talked to her about my kids, and the weather. I told her I loved her. And then we just sat together in the quiet. Because when it came down to it words were just a distraction; a sign of my discomfort with how she now is.

What you see in this photo are our hands. Now close your eyes and what you might feel is one heart holding another. Her heart holding mine. Mine holding hers.

Tat tvam asi. You are That.

Note: My beloved mum died on 15 June, 2019. We find each other in the ethers. Xx